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| Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
Desi CT |
02/04/2018 09:33 PM |
Looking back now, I think I married way out of my league, career wise.
When I was age 30, I and my wife had an arranged marriage. My wife 29 at that time, was a graduate of the one of the top schools of engineering in India, Indian Institute of Technology(IIT). She was working for one of the largest telecom companies in SF bay area. I was working for a software consulting firm in CT. I still wonder why she married me. I think it was because she had a previously broken engagement and such things are taken seriously in my conservative community.
Initial years were good. I moved to San Francisco, as my wife’s job was full time and she cannot move. Then the problems started to creep up. My wife was paid really well by her company. On top of that, the benefits were just unbelievable. Where as I had a comparitively low salary. My wife hated my laid back nature. She always used to drop subtle hints for me to pull up my socks and switch to a high paying job.
All of my wife’s IIT friends and their spouses, as you can imagine, were smart and resourceful. I was like the odd man in the group. I could not keep up with them. All of them owned homes and were starting to have kids.
My wife was extremely competitive. She constantly used to compare our life with her friends. I know she was vey dissapointed in me as were living in an apartment and I was still not sure if we should start planning for a baby. We would constantly argue about our state of affairs, which I thought were good enough. But my wife wanted to be like her friends.
Due to various reasons, we could not buy a house. She wanted to have a baby ASAP. Due to my indecisive nature, I was holding back. Finally I agreed, and we had a beautiful daughter. This was the best thing that happened in our marriage. Since the birth of my daughter, my wife lost all interest in me. We stopped getting intimate. I could sense that my wife thought I was a failure and was upto no good. She would constantly bring up her friends in our arguments and compare how much better they had it. I tried switching jobs without luck.
My wife is a very good person and an excellent mom. But I and her are not compatible. I just dont have the kind of mental stamina that my wife expects. I think I am holding her back with my incompetence. Overall, we are not happy. We are more like roommates than a couple.
Sometimes, I think of divorce. But hold back as divorce in my culture is not an option. Also I dont want my daughter to go through it. I love my daughter to death. Would do anything for her. If i have to stay in a unhappy marriage, i would happily do it for her.
Wish I had married someone at the same level as I. Atleast I would be blissfully ignorant of my incompetence.
-Thought this would be useful to someone who is about to marry!!
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| Re: Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
AK |
02/05/2018 09:46 AM |
Think about this.
You have a kid. Some people can't conceive because of infertility.
One of my roommates spent 100k to get a child.+ his wife had breast cancer.
There are many things which won't go according to ur need.Suck it up and live your life.
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| Re: Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
fact |
02/05/2018 11:23 AM |
No marriage is perfect. May be 0.0001 % marriages can be without any issues. The best marriages are like nityananda and ambani where they dont meet at all but sleep with different people. Same in hollywood and bollywwod. Marriage with one person and they love another person for few years and keep on changing the lovers.
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| Re: Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
Man up |
02/05/2018 12:02 PM |
I love how you say, way out of my league career wise! I think first and foremost stop feeling sorry for your self and how sad life is for you and work on improving your self esteem and self worth. Maybe start by writing down three goals for yourself and work on them everyday until you accomplish them. And feel proud of your wife's accomplishments, remember you have a daughter and you want her to grow up to be independent, strong and accomplished like your wife.
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| Re: Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
AB |
02/05/2018 06:25 PM |
Your current issue is around incompetence. Life is never perfect. Reading through the lines, your wife is kind of happy with you otherwise she would never had your baby! She may have her expectation to some extent that is natural.
Here is what you can try. Ask your wife in a pleasant manner that you like to talk. Explain her your situation and say what best you could do and suggest supporting each other. Tell her that things will become more worst if you do not support each other ! You would have tried this already but try again. Days can be different, it might work !!!
at least you have a wife you like ! that is a great thing man !!
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| Re: Lesson for Someone looking for marriage |
Kenna |
02/07/2018 02:29 PM |
First of all, there is nothing wrong if a female is earning more than man in a relationship. And I'm not saying that its you fault because it isn't, but in smaller communities, especially Indian, it becomes a huge deal if a married woman who is supposed to stay home, make food, and take care of children is the one who's managing the house and helping the family survive. There is a common stereotype in Indian communities that if a woman is ambitious and more career-oriented, she's a bitch. But when a man is ambitious and career-oriented, he's a boss. That statement is so wrong and unreasonable. I just want to say that it's perfectly fine if that's the situation.
Second of all, I agree with you regarding your wife's attitude. Constantly pressurizing you and even emotionally/ mentally abusing you to keep up with other people is not okay. You should definitely talk to her and let her know about how you feel, especially for your daughter's sake.
Another tip that I recommend is going to couples-counseling. It will really help your relationship if a third perspective comes in and sees what's going on.
Lastly, I wish the best for you, your wife, and your daughter!
Family really is everything.
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